this is a temporary site while heads to the plastic surgeon for a makeover.

FAST AND FURIOUS 6, starring Dwayne Johnson and smaller people

Nothing in this review should be taken to denigrate or otherwise diminish the amazingness of what Dwayne Johnson looks like.

That said, here’s a movie about cars going fast and faster, mostly at nighttime, often in London. Very few police respond and the good and bad guys get away and no one comes after them. There are also a lot of very intense fights where the same lack of police intervention and everyone-walking-away happens.

This is also the movie with the longest-ever runway. I looked it up and found that the longest runway in the world is at Qamdo Bamba Airport in China. It is over 18,000 feet long, which is roughly three and a half miles, way way way shorter than what was needed for the many-minutes long insane and ridiculous runway ride we find ourselves on at the end of Furious 6. Weirdly, the captain never closes the cargo doors at the back, dragging his doors behind him all the way down the runway while cars run in and out.

Also strange is that when one of the agents wants to stop the airplane from taking off with her RPG-like weapon, she aims for the flaps: “They can’t take off if they can’t move the flaps.” Just a guess, but maybe aim for one of the, oh, I don’t know, engines, but that’s just a thought.

Here’s something else beyond comprehension. There’s this workspace that Dwayne & Crew are working in. It has mountains of high-tech this and that, weapons of every kind, various bad (in the good sense) cars, and a couple of vending machines. The vending machines provide a moment’s hilarity, but set that aside and think about the poor slob who has that route. Just sayin’. “Um, Mister three-hundred pounds of muscle shaped into Amazing Man and I know you can kill me with one blow, but I need you to sign here for the Diet Snapple and Doritos.”

Anyway, you know how it goes: Dwayne & Co. do their thing, overcoming all (and I mean all) impossible odds. A couple of them are sick of this franchise and have refused to sign on again…I mean, a couple of them die traumatic, terrifying, and sincerely-mourned deaths.

Lots and lots of girl bodies. Unending violence and really horrible killing at the end, which made it not comic-book fun anymore, but rather horrible and awful and killing-innocent-civilians bad.

There are some other people in this movie, but why talk about them when this is there:

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This entry was posted on May 25, 2013 by in Movie Reviews.
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